Hello all. Remember me? I'm the chubby fiesty blonde that promised to vent my problems to you all at least weekly but hasn't even accomplished doing it monthly. Well that's just how it goes, doesn't it? I have two happy healthy little boys who love activites. Sports, church, school...you name it. Dora the Explorer has basically turned into a mobile locker room. But I am not complaining because one day there will not be anyone to take to practice.
Soooo before those water works start I gotta tell you it's been a trying summer. I'm talking the kinda of summer where you stop in your footsteps and literally say out loud "You are working hard on this ole gal, ain't ya Devil?" I've got a lot on my heart. A lot. Just like I know every single one of you do. I sympathize with you. It's the kind of "a lot" that makes you watch Grey's Anatomy at 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday night while the hubs, tiny humans, and fur babies are restfully sleeping. It's the kind of "a lot" that makes you wonder "What else?" But you are always so scared to ask that question because you KNOW there can ALWAYS be something ELSE. And the "a lot" turns into hurt. The hurt? That eventually turns into hardening your heart. And that, my dear dear friends, is some dangerous territory.
So tonight I write......
If you are like me when something happens in your life a lot of times when you reflect back on that event you can sum it up in a word. Maybe it's love. Or maybe it's grief. Or maybe it's forgiveness. It's almost like that single event in your life could be the Webster's dictionary definition for that single word. (I like to call it the Brittany's dictionary but I am working mother of two so who has time for copyrights) When I reflect on two of my biggest hurts from this summer one word pops into my mind: "politics" Living in a small town where everyone knows everybody the politics are going to happen. Someone is going to advance and the other person is not. And not because of skill, knowledge or ability but because every other Tuesday morning Tom has coffee with Joe at Sammon's and if Tom picks Sam over Joe for whatever reason then Joe might get butt hurt and Tom can't handle that Joe may not want to have coffee at Sammon's with him anymore. Who cares that Sam is the right person for the position? Tom needs his coffee, dangum it. This good ole boy philosophy has hurt (and I mean HURT) two of the people I love most in this world and has given me a little less faith in humanity and made me question a lot. One is an adult and one is a child. I have always said that it is both a blessing and a curse to live in Murray KY. Both of these hurts that occurred less than a month from each other hardened me. I felt it when it happened. I felt the walls close up. I felt the muscles tightened. I felt the hole actually go through my tongue as I bit it. The choosers in both these scenarios chose wrong and it messed with my people. Mess with me all you want, but mess with the ones I love and it's more than this gal can handle. See? Hardened.
So tonight I write.......
Some of the hardened is not caused my other people's actions. Some of it is just life. I mean, those messy ole life events that's just going to happen. It's the punches. It's the mean left hook that sometimes life gives you when you are not looking. It's the big things, like sick family members (this one I don't have it in me to discuss right now but I encourage you stay tune to future posts) or the loss of something or someone close to you. It's the little things like missed deadlines, sending your kid to school on picture day in camo, and the dog pooping in the floor. These hits, these punches, they wear you down. And while the little things may just be jabs compared to the big hits left hooks, any of it is going to defeat you. It's going to mess with you. It's going to eventually be a lot. It's going to be a hurt. It's going to harden.
So tonight I write......
This weekend has been a weekend of punches and jabs. I have been face to face, toe to toe with people who when I was pre-divorce-rainbows-unicorns-naive Brittany, I never would have believed would have turned on me. And they did. I sit here before Meredith Grey and tell you THEY DID. They judged. They scoffed. They took their backs and did a complete 180 on this ole gal. This weekend I feel like I had the privilege (I really mean pain) of being face to face, toe to toe which most everyone of them in some way or another. Maybe physically. Maybe not. But it was enough that I caught myself alone in the house today, stop in my tracks and say "You got it in for me this weekend don't ya ole Devil?" As I mentioned earlier I have a word for each time I think of these people/events. These people who I literally do pray for occasionally (probably not as much as I should have, but hey we all need a little room to grow) although I honestly feel like they never have said one for me. These "Non-praying for Brittany" people, when I think of them I think: Loyalty. And I guess it can go unsaid that I don't mean they are loyal...pretty sure that is a given. What I mean is that I thought that some of these people would be loyal to me to the grave. That whatever left hook or jab that life gave me that they would be there to pick me up, encourage me and love me. I was wrong. And that my friends, in my honest opinion is the hurt that will harden you the most. I've been there. I've done that. And I can tell you that it does. Blood makes you related. Loyalty makes you family.
So tonight I write......
While I did feel the harden just this very weekend. And while past hurts came up and bit me on the rear end this weekend. I had to come up with something good. Something to help me not start my week as harden as I was. (Trust me I am still very harden but the Good Lord knows I am a work in progress) You know what I did? I went to that Good Lord myself. This morning I went away from my church family, took along my tribe member, and we went and visited another church where our church family's preacher was preaching for Homecoming. We sung ole hymns that I haven't heard in years out of old hymn books with actual pages (that even had the ole hymn book smell). I held my tribe member's hand as we ALWAYS do when we pray. I was together with a tribe member worshipping the Lord, as I am most every Sunday but it was different this morning. The Lord knew I needed what I got and it was good for the soul. That's the first thing. You wanna know the second thing I did? (If you don't then just stop reading because I'm going to tell you anyway) I went and watched another tribe member's daughter be baptized. This again was out of my comfort zone. I went to a place of worship that I have never been to and watched a father, who is a friend I think so much of, baptize his little girl in a horse trough. I did that. Today. I sat right beside my tribe member and watched a little girl decide to turn her life over to the Lord and ya'll, I got to see it happen. Right there. Before my eyes. I got to see her glow and her hope knowing that the Lord has wrapped her up. And it reminded me that life is going to throw me left hooks. Life is going to hurt me. Life is going to harden me. But I think that's okay. Because I believe between the Lord wrapping His arms around me and good ole hymn books with actual pages in them, that I may just be okay.
And with that, I'm done writing for tonight.
